Befriending Inner Fear (Ajahn Brahm)

Here are some listener’s notes on a dhamma talk by Ajahn Brahm on “Befriending Inner Fear”. It could perhaps be summarised as a talk on right view and framing our experience in such a way that we shine and benefit others most.

Befriending Inner Fear

1. Three Questions: When? Who? What?

There are three important questions: 1) When is the most important time? 2) Who is the most important person? 3) What is the most important thing to do? I will answer these three questions. The most important time is “now”. The most important person is “the one right in front of you”. And the most important thing to do we will come to later, but it is not to do things at all, but “to take care of things”. Stop choosing what to be aware of — what is in front of you right now is the most important, so take care of it, don’t try to brush it aside or get rid of it. With this in mind, let’s meditate for ten minutes. [The moment he falls silent, a toddler bursts out crying and keeps crying and cries continuously.] This is a good practice! Don’t tell it to be quiet. Care for it. [But the parents are too embarrassed so after repeated shushing without success the frustrated father carries the child out of the lecture hall for a while until she calms down.]

2. Positive Framing: The Wisdom of the Great British Philosopher

It’s supposed to be the most fearful thing you can do to give public talks. When I first started, I thought there would be only two outcomes. Either people would walk out, it would be terrible, I couldn’t connect with them, which would be great because I could sit back and be a hermit and take it easy. Or if they liked my talks and came in great numbers, then I could inspire people and give them happiness which would be marvelous! Either way, I didn’t need to worry. The best way to overcome your fear is to look at the world with a positive outlook!

It reminds me of a lesson by the great British philosopher whom I’m sure you’ve heard of. His name is Winnie the Pooh, or Pooh Bear! When Little Piglet and Winnie the Pooh were walking through the forest through a raging storm, first twigs, then branches and then whole trees started falling… Piglet worried that a tree might fall whilst they were underneath it? To which Winnie the Pooh replied, “Supposing it didn’t?” What if it fell where we weren’t underneath it? Fear is “what if…” followed by something negative. Replace it with something positive. A woman who had recovered from cancer worried, “What if my cancer came back?” The fear was crippling her and no-one was able to help her. She asked me and my answer was, “What if it doesn’t?” She got it straight away and it didn’t come back. Fear actually makes what we fear more likely because of the stress it causes. Like the TV show I saw when little about the grasshopper crossing a plank over a pool of acid, who gets nervous and falls only to discover it is just water: it is just the fear which pushes him in! So how to overcome fear so it doesn’t “push us in”? It isn’t by overcoming, but by befriending it, embracing it, caring for it, allowing it to be without trying to get rid of it.

3. Let Go of Being Right & Share Getting your Way

For those of you in relationships, something you will discover sooner or later is never try to convince your significant other that they are wrong. However good at debating you are, even if you are a successful lawyer with great skills at persuading juries, with your partner it’s different. I have a solution for this: simply check the calendar! If it’s an odd-numbered day, then the woman is right, if an even-numbered day the man is right. The observant amongst you will notice there are more odd-numbered days than even-numbered days in a year, but give the women that. As well as not trying to convince, don’t try to change. If you take care of each other, the change often happens naturally.

4. Stop Worrying What Others Think of You (they are thinking mostly of themselves)

For those of you not in relationships, there’s something worth knowing which I wish I had been taught when young. It’s to stop worrying about how others think of us and to stop trying to put on some kind of act for them. What both men and women want in a partner is someone clean, trustworthy, kind, and happy. We spend our youth worrying what others are thinking of us. We do not realise others are worrying about themselves and not thinking about us at all. Let go of the fear of what others might be thinking. This self-confidence also turns out to be attractive. Maybe if I’d known that when I was younger, I wouldn’t have become a monk. But I’m very happy being a monk.

5. Stop Putting Off Happiness: When you are happy, that is success!

We spend our lives putting off happiness. “If only …, then I’ll be happy” First, it’s succeeding at exams, then finding a job, a partner, a house, a car… but the happiness never comes but keeps getting pushed back. Finally, it is looking forward to retirement, or for some people even death and the paradise to come. But happiness doesn’t come from success. Psychologists turn this around and say that success comes from happiness. The truth is different however. When you are happy, that is success!

6. You are Beautiful Because of your Imperfections

“I am enough” as I saw once on a T-shirt. I love T-shirts because they are full of wisdom. Another I saw once said on the first line: “Nobody is perfect.” Then below that: “I am nobody. Therefore, I am perfect.” If you go to a wood, there is no such thing as a perfectly formed tree. Every tree is crooked and has damaged leaves and broken branches. In fact, your favourite tree is probably the most bent and crooked. Broken branches are where birds nest. There is beauty in all your faults and perfection in all your failings. When we do things, we tend to be downhearted by our mistakes and focus attention on them, but like the wall with two crooked bricks, look at them instead as a “feature”!

7. Hearting the Shadow Self: A Practice

There are parts of ourselves for which our fear is too great to connect with and befriend intellectually. And so, I recommend this practice. Imagine the doorway of your heart, a big Valentine heart, opening and a staircase descending from the part of you which you love and accept to those parts of yourself that are excluded or that are full of fear, the child in you who feels rejected or hurt. And lovingly invite these excluded parts and memories up the staircase into your heart to comfort and accept them, saying “you are part of me”. Embrace them. Embrace your shadow side. The catharsis that comes from this process is incredible.

To Summarise:

1) stay present and aware and take care of whatever is before you now,

2) put attention on positive aspects of experiences and people,

3) do not try to convince, push aside, change or cure or failure will be disheartening, but instead focus on doing your best to care for people,

4) be trustworthy and kind, but also be confident not fearing what others think of you,

5) success is happiness now,

6) there is beauty in all your faults and perfection in all your failings, and

7) open the door of your heart to welcome in and fully accept your shadow selves and so realise your beautiful and perfect wholeness, not just intellectually but from your heart.

Don't Worry Be Grumpy (Ajahn Brahm)

Rating:	★★★★★
Category:	Books
Genre:	Spiritual
Tagline:	Practical Tools from Ajahn Brahm

As well as being full of wisdom and laugh-out-loud stories, there are also several practical tips in Ajahn Brahm’s book, “Don’t Worry, Be Grumpy” which I’d love to share. But these are just selective reminders — you’ve got to go read the book!

1) Let go of painful memories. We only keep beautiful photos to surround ourselves with. So too we should keep only beautiful memories and let go of memories that cause suffering.

2) Water the goodness in others and in yourself with attention and love. Instead of trying to “fix” what is unwholesome, let it wither away.

3) Accept praise. You deserve it. But do not compare yourselves with others. 

4) Give praise generously and sincerely. Criticism strikes home at once, but praise takes fifteen seconds to get through. If the need arises for constructive criticism, then use the sandwich technique.

5) Lower expectations, and change your attitude. See the goodness in others, and the beauty in ugliness. If you cannot see it, imagine it!

6) Be a visitor to your own home at least one day a week to let go of the feeling of ownership and the need to control things. Be instead a watcher.

7) Enjoy the in-between moments in life. Enjoy the journey, not only the destination.

8) If you need to make a decision, toss a coin to test out how you feel.

9) In life and death situations, ask for permission: from your pet, from your loved one.

10) In looking after someone, focus on caring, not curing; the process, not the endpoint. If we focus on curing, then we will sometimes fail and guilt will follow. If we focus on caring, we know we gave our best.

11) In a relationship, don’t think of yourself. Don’t think of the other! Think only of us!!

12) If you try to capture a moment in a photograph or in words, you might miss it. Stay present, and experience with wonder. Then it will be unforgettable.

13) Promise honesty with your loved ones and commitment to work together. Honesty and forgiveness are much more important than hiding and covering our mistakes.

14) Let go: both what you love and what you hold onto. What you love will come back if the love is reciprocated and what you hold onto, take a break, and you can always get back to it.

15) Live simply.

16) Cultivate loving kindness.

17) Make wholesome things forbidden and they become more attractive.

18) Eat the food, not the menu. Practice, don’t just preach.

19) 20 push-ups every morning. Pushing up the corners of your lips.

20) Happy or grumpy, you have Ajahn Brahm’s permission… it’s ok!

Success and Happiness

Ingredients:

Idea 1: Happiness precedes success not the other way round.
Idea 2: Letting go releases tremendous freshness and clarity.
Idea 3: Accepting & giving praise creates a cycle of positive reinforcement.
Idea 4: Learning from mistakes without guilt is part of loving and trusting your self.
Idea 5: The will is a dynamo that must be directed wisely.
Idea 6: Connecting with people is easier if the mind is still.
Idea 7: Efficiency comes from a calm mind, self-knowledge and self-control.

Directions:

Idea 1: Happiness precedes success not the other way round.

(Chicken Farmers) Teaching in metaphor, the ideas stick in the mind. So it is easier to learn concepts from moral tales. Once upon a time there were two farmers who both owned many chickens. One of them woke up in the morning, collected all the chicken droppings in his basket and brought them home. The other woke up and collected the eggs in his basket. Guess which one was successful? The first stunk up his home with the droppings. The second made some lovely omelette and made his family very happy.

Moral: This is a metaphor for what we bring from the past into our present. Which are you? Do you bring eggs into your present or shit? We learn much much more from past successes than from failure. This is the fundamental lesson: positive attitude.

Idea 2: Letting go releases tremendous freshness and clarity.

(Calculator) Every moment, clearing like a calculator and starting new with empty mind. This is important for teachers to not hold on to opinions of their pupils, so they are aware quickly of the efforts and improvements they make, and the pupils can tell that it does not go unnoticed.
(Prisoners) For those who work with prisoners, they must learn to treat them not as murderers and rapists, but as people who have murdered and raped. Prisoners unable to discard the label from around their neck will more likely re-offend when released.
(The New Buddhist) Someone had just converted to Buddhism and was visiting a friend. He refused a drink saying now he couldn’t drink. “But you’re Buddhist,” said the friend. “That means you can let go!” “Ah, but it’s a different kind of letting go.”

Moral: Success is easy. It just requires a change in perspective. Not “letting go” meaning doing as you please, but letting go of negative emotions and labels, and striving for compassion and goodness.

Idea 3: Accepting & giving praise creates a cycle of positive reinforcement.

(Award) When receiving an award, the humble winner said, “It’s what I do. I don’t deserve it.” The following year, he turned up to the ceremony and the winner used exactly the same words in his speech. But objectively, he could see that the person did deserve it. Why is it so hard to receive praise, while it is so easy to accept criticism?
(Schizophrenic patients) Remarkable success has been had by putting energy and effort into the times when schizophrenic patients are well instead of focusing on the “problem”.
(Dog training) When the dog does the right thing, the trainer jumps up and down in ecstasy and rewards it. The dog can’t help but notice.

Moral: Try the reverse: receive praise with an attitude that you do deserve it and let criticism go. This isn’t being big-headed, it’s being big-hearted. It’s saying that those who chose you were not wrong-headed to do so, and moreover receiving awards is good because it acts as motivation to work hard and do it again. Equally, learn to praise to reinforce desirable behaviour. Make criticism constructive and in a form that is easily digestible.

Idea 4: Learning from mistakes without guilt is part of loving and trusting your self.

(Fertilizer) A man stepped on dog poo. He went home and scraped it off under his apple tree. When he ate the apples the following spring, they were juicier than ever.
(100 strokes of the cat) Punishment for Buddhist monks in Australia.

Moral: The season of failure is the best time for sowing the seeds of success. Turn your mistakes into fertilizer for your apple tree and remember when you succeed that it was a direct result of all the things you went through. Fall forwards not backwards. Replace bad habits and thoughts by good habits and thoughts. This is not to say you don’t regret, or feel remorse, but you feel it once, and straightaway you develop strategies to ensure it doesn’t happen again. The regret is not something continuous and wasteful of all the positive energy that could have come from it. Efforts after failure bring true growth. Stimulate all the successful thoughts of the past until they are revitalized. Don’t let others take away your happiness. Laugh at yourself. Sometimes people feel unable to forgive themselves. Confessing and not doing it again are not enough. For them, they must learn compassion, to allow themselves to be happy. This is especially important in relationships, to love and trust and feel worthy and deserving of happiness, and so create a cycle of positive reinforcement, not negative.

Idea 5: The will is a dynamo that must be directed wisely.

(Powerful Image) A wish is a desire without energy. An intention is a wish with a plan, but will is action with intent until the wish is accomplished. Intent is like a powerful image broadcast from within, and one cannot help but notice its presence.
(Sailing) "'I don't care where we go,' I said, to my own surprise." (Erskine Childers, Riddle of the Sands) It is said that a good day's sailing needs no destination.

Moral: Everything we do comes from the will. Mechanical will is unthinking. Conscious will is a vital force that involves determination and effort, so should be directed wisely. As well as being constructive and feasible, always be sure in your heart that it is right for you or aligned with divine will. Then concentrate on it with courage and faith. The creative power of imagination gives initiative to set out on your path and open your eyes to the possibilities and do things that none have done before. Once you have chosen what to do, concentrate on how you do it and enjoy the experience and the opportunities it offers. Reward the process, not the endpoint. Success for a doctor is not in curing patients. It is in caring for them, and in caring for them they hopefully will be cured.

Idea 6: Connecting with people is easier if the mind is still.

(Stillness in Pauses) Suppose I were to speak this to you and in doing so pause unexpectedly, and … ask you to … observe……… your mind in…… the pauses between words. You ….. experience…… empty “waiting in the moment” mind, because you do not….. know when I …… will speak next…. you are in stillness.
(Australian counselor) An American lady had seen every counselor in Los Angeles without success. She went all the way to Australia to see a psychotherapist there, who knowing that everything else had been tried, figured she would need something unconventional. She stilled her mind and as the lady walked into the room, she said to her without knowing why, “I think you should take up playing violin.” The lady had wanted to play the violin as a little girl, but she was not allowed to. There’s a lesson in this: do what you want to do, not what is expected of you. She suggested other things too, and the lady went home and started work on some fantastic projects to help people.
(The Sponge) A dry sponge absorbs. A wet sponge can absorb nothing.

Moral: Be sensitive and mindful to those around you. Learn to be quiet. The mind like a dry sponge to pick up information around you, to take opportunities, widen horizons and connect with people and develop relationships.

Idea 7: Efficiency comes from a calm mind, self-knowledge and self-control.

(Staying in the Present) First we obsess over the past. This cannot be changed, so not worth worrying about. Then we worry about the future. The future is made in the present. Once we stop worrying about past and future, we might feel nerves or stress in the present. But this is a waste of energy and how sickness happens, though we often don’t notice it because we are so caught up in past and future. So, we let go of that too. And relax into inner tranquillity.
(The Glass) A glass of water is not very heavy, but the stress comes in holding it for a length of time. The solution is simple: put it down.
(The Menu) A man goes to an expensive restaurant and is presented with a beautiful menu with wonderful golden lettering. He eats the menu and walks out.

Moral: We often work long hours with little result to show for it. This is an inefficient use of the power of mind. Taking breaks makes us much more productive. Putting a problem down, you let the problem rest but you do not rest. You go deep within to realign with your higher Self and return to face the problem before your discrimination is lost. Recognize what works best for you. This is skilful action. Know your priorities. Success is in the doing. Living right is in the practice, not in books or academic theory of philosophy or religion. So now I’m saying all this was a waste of time, right? No, that was a negative thought, of doubt. So let’s put what we’ve learnt to good use immediately and replace doubt with trust. I trust that my writing up this little blog on success will turn out to be of enormous value to me, and even more so to you!


Source: This is adapted from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Brahm.

On a related note, I also posted a blog called "On Doing Better" from a Buddhist perspective based on another talk I went to.

Link: http://itsokei.blogspot.co.uk/2009/10/on-doing-better-bt.html