Sunday, 16 August 2009

Friendly Limericks

I’m now about to pack so I can escape to Spain today(!) to join my family on holiday. I hope you all have a fantastic summer, doing everything that’s important to you, and if possible having lots of fun.

The first five limericks are to whet the appetite… along with the sixth, they’re from the vaults again, dating back to 1992/3. The sixth onwards are especially for my first few contacts on Multiply. Apologies to my lovely more recent contacts... some of the rhymes were too difficult and also some of you I don’t know well enough. In fact, I don’t know any of you well enough, so please forgive the friendly fun, especially when I've completely made stuff up.


There was an old man of Bombay
Who to the world would grandly say,
“Stop all your turning,
Go and start learning.”
That learned old man of Bombay.

There was an old man of Taiwan,
Who lived in a granary barn.
He slept in the straw
And walked out at four,
That clever old man of Taiwan.

There was a young man of Laos,
Who loved to see utter chaos.
He made it himself,
With his little elf,
That troublesome man of Laos.

There was a young man of Moscow,
Whose greatest hobby was to row.
He went the same way,
On every day
In his room where rivers don’t flow.

There was a young man of Tibet,
Who lost thousands of pounds in a bet.
He pondered, he thought,
An idea he sought
And found two rupees in his net.

There was a man of the Philippines,
Who wore enormously long jeans.
He fell to the ground
And amazed he found
Emeralds as big as broad beans.

There was a young lady of Malaysia
Who designed buildings all over East Asia
The king gave her two hours
To make a palace of flowers
And she did because nothing would faze her.

There was a young girl of the West
Who loved everything that was best.
She sang so pretty
A sprite heard her ditty
And she was eternally blessed.

There was a young girl of Newfoundland
Who dreamed of warm nights on white sand
All her wishes came true
Right out of the blue
And she found that she was enlightened.

There was a young girl of Alabama
Who would run like a nail from a hammer
One day she was stilled
With Peace she was filled
And Love she showed even to a spammer.

There was a girl of the Malay
Who practiced the art of the Way
She sat very still
And focused her will
Till she taught her mind to obey.

There was a young man of Dayton
Who fought against the wiley Satan
He saw through the lies
Of Satan's disguise
That clever young man of Dayton.

There was a young dryad of the wood
Who went out at night when she could
She spoke to the stars
To Venus and Mars
And rejoiced when they understood.

There was a lady of New Delhi
Who couldn't stand the rubbish on telly
So she sat in a nook
Got out a good book
And read all the verses of Shelley.

There was a girl of New Orleans
Who tried to cure troublesome teens.
She took them for a swim
Showed them how to play Nim
And taught them to paint abstract scenes.

Saturday, 15 August 2009

Did Ya Buddha's Delight (BoA vs. Haley Bennett)

This is hilarious... a mix of BoA "Did Ya", and Haley Bennett "Buddha's Delight" in red, like a conversation between the two... with communication problems, lol.

Guess you lose and it's too late to try to come back
What part of no don't you understand?
'Cause I believe in karma. Too bad. Boy do you believe in karma?
There you go down with yesterday's news in the trash can
I got no time to be looking back,
Gonna reach nirvana. I'm past that. Boy we're gonna reach nirvana.
And now you wanna change, it's too little too late.
Each time you put your lips to mine, it's like a taste of Buddha's delight.
I see the gates of paradise, you're a taste of Buddha's delight.
Tell me all your fantasies tonight, and I will make them happen
'cause I'm not satisfied if I don't get my Buddha's delight.
Oh shanti shanti
Oh shanti shanti

Gotta a new place, a hot ride, this Gucci handbag
to match my kicks and my brand new plan,
Can you take me higher? Hey now. Wonder can you take me higher?
Why the look of confusion? Oh sorry, my bad
Forgot to mention my brand new man,
And the eternal fire. Take that. Show me the eternal fire.
Say you wanna change, it's too little too late

You shoulda loved me right when you had me
Shoulda shoulda but you didn't did ya?
You shoulda known I'm not gonna sit around
And wait for you to get your act together, shoulda known better
Don't say you wanna, don't say you were gonna
You shoulda loved me right but you didn't, did ya?
Oh shanti shanti
Oh shanti shanti

Take a good look 'cause it's the last you'll see of me
Take a good look, take a good look baby
Memorize this, all you have are memories
Memorize this, 'cause it's all you get to keep
No words, no rings, not a damn thing is gonna bring me back to you.
I'm so over you.
Put your lips to mine, it's like a taste of Buddha's delight.

You shoulda loved me right when you had me.
Shoulda shoulda but you didn't did ya?
Buddha's delight.
Tell me all your fantasies tonight, and I will make them happen
'cause I'm not satisfied if I don't get my Buddha's delight.

Don't say you wanna, don't say you were gonna
You shoulda loved me right but you didn't, did ya?
I got my Buddha's delight.

Sea, Sand & Sun (Cafe Del Mar: Arnica Montana feat. Sarah Warwick)

I'm dreaming... Wishing you all a great summer!

Hands in the sand,
Feet in the Sea,
Face in the Sun,
An Empty Mind,
A Free Body.

Sea, Sand & Sun

When everything around is trouble and torment, turbulence and tears.
And nothing can be found for chaos and dissent, fever and fear
Step out and turn around,
Let your mind ascend.
Then close your eyes and feel
Sea, Sand & Sun.

When everything is found to fall to discontent, distress and worries
When nothing else is sound and only bad intent, just persevere.
Leave all in the background.
Let your heart consent
Then close your eyes and feel
Sea, Sand & Sun.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Dreams, Love, Death & Life

I found a few really old poems that I wrote as a kid which must have been copied from the very first computer my parents bought. Most were written on the occasions of people's birthdays. So from the vaults... I present to you three poems on the very deep subjects of Dreams, Love, Death & Life. I can't quite believe I wrote them, lol.

I enter bed and close my eyes;
In the darkness, there she lies,
A strange phantom with hypnotic powers
Leads me through the land's great towers.
And while beneath the gates I walk,
I hear the beings of both lands talk:
In mine, the sounds of sorrow and sin,
In her's of happiness among fellow kin.
I enter her land and amazed I behold
The colours, the riches, the gold,
Astronauts, pilots, sailors and all.
But there in the corner I see a monster so tall
Guarding the Field of Black Living Sand,
The one evil thing that man dreads from this land,
That makes him with utmost haste depart.
In my adventure I was the hero, central part
But then through the gates I wandered afar
Into my monotonous polluted world, a scar
To nature and the universe.

--okei (1993)

Love and Death

Though I am young and cannot tell
Either what Death or Love is well,
Yet I have heard they both bear darts,
And both do aim at human hearts;
And then again I have been told
Love wounds with heat as Death with cold;
So that I fear they do but bring
Extremes to touch and mean one thing.

--Ben Jonson (1637)

Love would mould the world together,
For its grasp abides forever,
But, alas! Touched not are some hearts
By wily Cupid's poisoned darts.
Death is the fate of all living things:
Plants, birds, fish and creatures with wings.
I believe it not to be so cold,
But new life: a cure for the old.

--okei (1994)

La Vie

La vie est un r
êve du seul et unique ciel:
Aussi amer que le citron et aussi doux que le miel,
Une cha
îne de choix ou une série de problèmes.
La Terre est un paradis perdu mais aussi m
Un paradis retrouv
é où on passe
Nos jours de joie sur sa jolie face.
Quand nous mourons, nous nous r
Et voyons le vrai monde o
ù nous habitons.

--okei (1994)

Approximate Translation:

Life is a dream under the one and only heaven:
As bitter as lemons and as sweet as honey,
A sequence of choices or a multitude of problems.
The Earth is a lost paradise, but equally
A paradise re-found where we spend
Our days of joy upon its pretty face.
And when we die we shall wake up
And see the true world in which we live. 

The Breath (Rumi)

Last night beneath the crescent moon,
A breath came, saw you and then carried on.
Another will be coming soon;
Be sure to catch it ere it too is gone.

(from the Masnavi by Rumi)

Image: 'Dreaming' by Cocodrillo

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Linda Smith

Comedy of Linda Smith (1958-2006)


Stephen Fry, “I don’t like geranium. I find it tastes soapy”
Linda Smith, “Do you think possibly that you’re washing it too much?”
If any of you do find any weapons of mass destruction under your seats, if you could forward them to the government, 'cause they've looked everywhere. Oh, it'll be . . . they'll be the last place they look! I'm like that with scissors. I turn the house . . . Mind you, the difference is I have been stockpiling scissors for the last 20 years.

Company Slogans

The Association of Norfolk Bakers – “Two Hundred Years In Bread”

IKEA – “I’m sorry, you’re going to have to put your own slogan together”

British Telecom – “Putting you on Hold”

New Definitions

Margate = the ‘mother of all scandals’

Palisade = what the Queen drinks

Postulate = new name for Royal Mail

On the News Quiz

People knock ASBOs but you have to bear in mind they’re the only qualification some of these kids are going to get.
Scientists claim that birds are as clever as mammals. They haven’t got a great sense of time though have they? They don’t know the difference between 4a.m. and the morning.
Have you ever tried using one of those giant Toblerones as a toast rack? Works once.
I don’t do the lottery which means I’m marginally less likely to win than someone who does.
(On the Middle East) It’s rather annoying the way our oil has ended up under their sand.
They have plans to tag troublesome teenage offenders. Don’t you think it’s silly? Teenagers. You don’t need to tag them. Just shove them in front of a PlayStation with a bucket of sugar. They’re not going to move.
(On John Prescott) I suspect language isn’t his first language.
Apparently playing the recorder puts children off music for life. I find children playing the recorder puts me off children for life. Just lucky they don’t play the bagpipes. Could be even more serious.
I don’t understand rugby at all. It’s like a really boring fight that someone keeps breaking up.
Notice no matter how hard it is to go to sleep at night, you always want to go to sleep when the alarm goes off, no matter. Awake all night, alarm goes off: “Uhh… five more minutes.” So what you should do is set your alarm for five minutes after you go to bed; eight hours refreshing sleep.
There’s a church in Wales where they can’t afford bellringers. You just can’t get the bellringers these days – it’s a dying art. And people obviously like bells for their wedding, so what they’ve got people to do is they’ve got the congregation… they’ve got half of them to be the dings and half to be the dongs… and they do the lovely wedding bells ding dong ding dong. Although sometimes there’s a bit of anarchy and some people are dinging when they should be donging and donging when they should be dinging, but generally it’s very jolly. They make their own entertainment. It all sounds rather lovely, actually. I quite like the idea of it. I think more people should take this up. Police cars should have somebody sitting on top going ner ner, ner ner.

Monday, 10 August 2009

I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue

Awesome anthology of humour from the Radio 4 comedy programme. The bright blue background on that site blinds me...but I just discovered that under preferences, Content, Colours... you can turn off a webpage's control over its own colour choices. This is a hassle I know! Or alternatively just enjoy the selections below.

Advice to anyone visiting Britain...

At the Railway Station
When leaving the train, it is traditional to leave a leaf on the line.

Before entering the toilet on the train, it is customary to remove your shoes and socks as a mark of respect.

Don't buy your own newspaper, as people on trains like to share.

The men with notepads at the end of the platform are colourful characters with full and interesting lives.

If you would like a coffee, attract staff by pulling the large red handle in your compartment.

When you arrive, you will find that bus timetables are co-ordinated with the arrival of all trains.

Please discourage the professional beggars operating on trains, who approach you with the words 'Tickets Please'.

Comfortable hammocks are located above the seats.

In the Countryside
Regular buses serve all areas.

Gates often blow shut. Make sure that you wedge them open properly.

It is common practice to pick-your-own sheep.

If you enjoy cheery conversation and a good laugh, talk to a farmer...especially if you're French!

At the Church
Don't be too greedy when they pass round the plate.

When the organ stops playing, all move chairs.

Roman Catholics are a friendly bunch - you can even have a chat through the grill in the toilet cubicles.

If taken ill suddenly, please remember all churches have a box marked 'For The Sick'.

At Stonehenge
People will admire your knowledge if you stand in the middle, and shout out very loudly and knowledgably: "Of course, this was a cinema until the roof fell in".

Impress the locals with your attempt to start the domino effect by pushing the first stone over.

During the annual winter solstice celebrations, why not join in the traditional urinating against the policeman's leg while dressed as a druid.

At the British Museum
When you enter the Reading Room there will be a hushed sense of expectancy, so perhaps you'd like to sing your favourite national song, & when they want you to sing a little bit louder, they'll go 'Shhh!'.

A useful phrase for those whose English is no use at all, when in the Reading Room, is: "'Ere cock, where's the filthy stuff?"

The museum has one of the largest collections of Egyptian Mummies in the world - please take one.

Any of the attendants will be happy to explain how to play Elgin Marbles.

If you'd like to show your backing for democracy, perhaps you'd like to add your signature to the Magna Carta.

At Christies Auction House

Bring your own gavel.

It is an old English tradition to tickle the man holding the Ming vase.

It is considered polite to catch the auctioneer's eye and give him a friendly nod or a wink.

You'll see paintings leaning against the wall - please take one.

More Advice
If, when driving, a police car flashes you from behind, it means that you are not going fast enough.

When visiting Harrods, do ask the head of stationery - a Mr. Al-Fayed - where he keeps his brown envelopes.

You can time your journey by checking the time-table posted at any bus stop.

It is considered bad form to fall asleep in the theatre, so book a few wake-up calls on your mobile phone.

People in a queue are actually waiting for you to go first.

Taxi driving is a lonely life - encourage drivers to share their opinions.

A sure-fire way to start a conversation with an Englishman is: 'You must be very excited about your Millennium Dome'.

Don't miss Wimbledon Fortnight, but remember to get there early to book the court.

We have some very fine spa waters in England - Buxton, Malvern, Bath etc - if in Bath, the best thing to say to your waitress is 'I would very much like to drink your Bath water'.

Please do not consult your maps in the middle of the pavement - zebra crossings are provided for this purpose.

Put your money on England in the cricket - the Australian fast bowlers are a spent force.

Do remember that Yorkshiremen love to have the piss taken out of them.

American motorists: remember that in Britain you won't be able to fill your car up with 'gasoline' - we call it 'diesel'.

A good ice-breaker at dinner parties is how dreadful it must have been for the Germans during the War.

To hear English spoken as it should be, tune in to The Teletubbies.

Do take advantage of London's self-drive taxis. They're easily distinguished by the flashing blue light on the top.

For actors coming to Britain, there's a church in Covent Garden, and when the first lesson reaches "And Javel begat Enoch", it is customary for visiting actors from overseas to rise and say "Oh no he didn't".

When the organ starts in Westminster Abbey, the first couple on the dance floor win a prize.

A pint of bitter is known in England colloqually as a 'Pyours', so go into a pub and shout at the barman "A Pyours!"

Don't be afraid - taxi drivers expect you to bargain with them.

As we approach 1992, driving on the right hand side of the road is now optional.

If you're staying with a British family, it is considered polite on leaving to pay their Poll Tax.

See the waxworks in the House of Lords.

If you see any red & white cones on the motorway, pick them up.

Always park with your nearside tyres neatly between the yellow lines.

When attending opera at Covent Garden, join in the arias.

The citizens of Glasgow love to hear foreigners imitating their accent, especially in a pub on a Friday night.

Doctor's Jargon

You may experience some discomfort = ...or you could go private.
There's a lot of it about = I've got that - what are you taking for it?
I should cut down on the booze if I were you = Blimey, you drink nearly as much as I do!
I hope my hands aren't too cold = I've lost all sense of feeling.
Let's try these new pills = I haven't the faintest idea what's wrong with you. 
Let's continue with these new pills = I haven't the faintest idea what's wrong with you.
I'd like to see you again in a fortnight = This way I might find out what these new pills do.
You should have come to see me before this = I've got a golf match in twenty minutes.
This won't take long = I've got a golf match in twenty minutes.
The patient is as well as can be expected = The patient is as well as can be expected...considering I'm the doctor.

New Definitions

Humpty-Dumpty: One who is humped and dumped
Intercontinental: A person who's wet themselves all over the world
Rancour: Japanese term of abuse (wanker)
Disappear: To insult a Lord (diss-a-peer)
Contraband: U.S. backed, counter-revolutionary orchestra
Titillate: Delayed puberty
Years: When the Queen is sure about something (yeeeees)
Psychiatric: Guessing right, three times in a row (psyche-hatrick)
Propane: People who are into S&M (pro-pain)
Alcoholic: Someone who drinks more than their doctor
Dunderhead: What a sculptor says when he's finished the top part of a bust (done-da-head)
Mastiff: A row during a church service (mass-tiff)
Banshee: Gentleman's club
Baloney: Disappointing skirt length fashion
Granary: Old folks' home
Dilate: Live long
Undertaker: A half-hearted shoplifter
Homophobe: Somebody who doesn't like The Simpsons
Miniscule: A toddlers' play group in Liverpool
Dentist: Man who fixes your car
Dissident: Foreigner pointing out damage to your car
Disguise: Pointing out the foreigner who's pointing out damage to your car
Intent: Determination to go camping
Picador: Find your own way out
Ransom: A short amount of exercise
Meander: She and I.

Tom Cooper One-Liners

Goofy humour :^)

I went to the doctor's. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.

I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

I took the dog to the vet's the other day. The vet said "I'm very sorry Mr Cooper, I'll have to put your dog down". I said "Why?" He said, "It's heavy, that's why".

I hurt my back today.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other.