Kayleigh Goldsworthy

Kayleigh Goldsworthy’s a fantastic singer who should be better known. Her lyrics are nowhere on the web, so here’s sharing three of her songs.

Tennessee

Well there's a silence when you're looking at me
And I wish I could go back to sleep
But in this moment you won't look beyond the brown behind the black
Wide abyss in my mind and I'm turning back
Into the girl I always wanted me to be
Bathed in my sympathy, I'm begging to be clean
I'll send a postcard as I try to find my way
My ghosts behind me, I know that I'll make it through
And be oka-a-a-a-a-a-ay, be oka-a-a-a-a-ay

There's a light that's up ahead
And I'll be catching it the first thing in the mornin’
I'm on my way
Towards a southern town beneath the stars I'll wander every night
Tennessee, you've been the nicest place to me
 
Well there's a siren that is deafening
As I try to uncover where I've been
But everybody's second guessing
All the moves their pawns have made
And I laugh to myself at this mess I've made

I'm not the girl I always thought that I would be
And I've stopped holding all my breath on silly things
But all the years I've spent just trying to believe
That I'd make it out of here and on to something only
In my dre-e-e-e-e-e-eams, in my dre-e-e-e-e-eams.

There's a light that's up ahead
And I'll be catching it the first thing in the mornin’
I'm on my way
Towards a southern town beneath the stars I'll wander every night
'Cos Tennessee, you've been the nicest place to me

And I'm on my wa-a-a-ayea-a-a-ay-a-a-a-a-ay
I'm on my wa-a-a-ayea-a-a-ay-a-a-a-a-a-ay
I'm not the girl I always dreamed that I would be
But on my way to there I know I'll surely see
The mile markers as I drive down 65
Take me to somewhere that had always made me feel
Alive, oh alive

'Cos there's a light that's up ahead
And I'll be catching it the first thing in the mornin’
I'm on my way
Towards a southern town beneath the stars I'll wander every night
'Cos Tennessee, you've been the nicest thing to me

Where the Summer Goes

Riding by the river, I don't know where the summer goes
Or why you stayed the night and then you left me all alone
Still, I couldn't stay away even though you wouldn't change
Up your mind or your story in the morning

So these days I stay awake through the twilight every day
Take another hit of something just to ease this pain away
But I couldn't bear to breathe in the dust from when you leave
So I cried and told my heart to just keep beating

Two rights, well they'll never make a wrong
Unless you hold tight to what you shouldn't hold on
Because your mind will cloud the way make you think love's gone away
But cross my heart I'll hope to die before it's ending

Still I'm waiting every day though the answers never came
Tried to reach you through the mess of all mixed signals that you gave
'Cos I wanted to believe that we could have had something
But now I'm learning not to throw myself to the fire so suddenly

'Cos two rights, I don't know what's so wrong
Except you hold tight to fears you shouldn't hold on
And your mind will cloud the way make you believe the lies you say
Just to make you feel better while it's ending

oooh...oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh

You say you'd rather be alone than love someone when you get home
While I understand your reasoning, don't you think I should have known?
But now it's your fucking loss because you don't know what you've got
So I'll find a man who proves to me that now I'm better off

'Cos two rights, well they'll never make a wrong
Unless you hold tight to fears you shouldn't hold on
Because your mind will cloud the way. make you think love's gone away
But cross my heart I'll hope to die before it's ending
Just to make you feel better while it's ending.

Streetlights

It's getting colder than, colder than I've ever been
But that must be why you told me bundle up I guess
Until the streetlights take me in and make me one of them
Until the streetlights take me in and make me whole.

And yes, I miss a man, miss him more but mostly when
He used to call me down the stairs and when he'd take my hand
I used to think no-one would ever make me feel like that
I used to think no-one would ever make me whole

'Cos there's a darkness sleeping next to me
There's a lightness that I can't find
But now I see that you've gone from me
I never heard you leave

Well, I guess I should have left when I heard you talk like that
Well, I must have had you wrong, I thought I heard you laugh
Before the phone call that had ended all I knew of that
Before the phone call that had ended all of that

'Cos there's a darkness sleeping next to me
There's a lightness that I can't find
But now I see that you've gone from me
I never heard you leave

'Cos there's a darkness sleeping next to me
There's a lightness that I can't find
But now I see that you've gone from me
I never saw you leave
I never heard you leave

It's getting colder than, colder than I've ever been
But that must be why you told me bundle up I guess
Until the streetlights take me in and make me one of them
Until the streetlights take me in and take me home.

Self-Identity

These are dhamma notes based on a talk by Martine Batchelor, but any errors are "mine".

Mindfulness is awareness of the thoughts that arise and pass, not to get rid of thought, but to refine it. Are these thoughts useful to us? When the mind is at rest, brain scans show that a lot of brain activity is still happening for most people. But in those who meditate regularly, the scans show a very different, … quiet mind. This is not just true scientifically, objectively. Those who meditate regularly also experience that their minds are quieter.

So what are the rest of us thinking about? A lot of the time, self-referential thoughts: identifying ourselves (creating a thick sense of self — its likes, dislikes, needs, wants, fears, nationality, profession, gender, appearance, age, religion, the football team we support, the friends we have, the number of likes we get on social networks, our sense of being introverted or extroverted, liberal or conservative, wealthy or poor, restricted or free), also identifying others in the same way, even identifying how others might identify us. Often these speculations are completely wrong. Through practicing vipassana meditation, we can avoid the habit of what Martine Batchelor calls "selfing". 

Vipassana meditation is the act of just sitting, watching the thoughts arise and pass, observing the impermanence of these thoughts and the tendency of these thoughts to self-identify  ("I must do this", "I wish I hadn't said that", "I wonder what they think of me"). The purpose is not to stop these thoughts, but rather to question, are these thoughts useful? If a car is coming, we need the self-referential thought in order to react! The purpose is not to be rid of our sense of identity, but to be aware what kind of identity are these thoughts building? Are we outsourcing our identity to those outside of us? We are habituated to do this from a young age.

At the beginning when we meditate, our awareness radar picks up on negative thoughts. However, once these disappear, we can refine a positive healthy sense of self. The Buddhist idea of no-self doesn't mean no identity, just recognizing identifiers are just thoughts and are these thoughts useful? The best kind of self-identification are personal qualities and aptitudes which we can develop and become more proficient and self-confident in. Even these are impermanent, because our identities are always subject to change and dependent on conditions. The error we make is to mistake our state with our identity. Our identity is our creative functioning, not a permanent fixed state, but a capacity, for example to speak a language, to teach, to respond whatever comes up in a wise and compassionate way.

Martine Batchelor was once a French nun practicing Zen in Korea for many years, now a teacher of Zen. Both these, nun & teacher, were self-identifications for her. When under the needle, she became quite self-consciousness about her own nervousness, thinking "I'm a Zen teacher, I'm supposed to stay Zen" though she wasn't feeling Zen. Even a Zen teacher has distracting self-identifying thoughts... but she recognised them. It didn't make them go away, but then the doctor gave her a local anaesthetic and everything was fine. When she left being a nun, the experience at first was quite deflating, a blow to her sense of self-identity, but it also liberated her from that identity.

The Zen meditation technique they taught in Korea was to drop the question into consciousness, "what IS this?" not to find an answer but to experience the question turning you back to your whole experience in this moment and feeling in your whole body a sense of curiosity without affirmation, negation or expectation. The question is sometimes called the hwadu. Unlike the selfing thoughts that occupy and re-enforce our thick sense of self, the hwadu brings us back to experience, being with sensation without thought of "I" or "mine". 

Both Vipassana and Zen meditation help us to recognise selfing thoughts, bring us back to the moment and so develop quiet mind and a creative awareness of our inner self, creative so it's not fixed, but better able to respond to life in a wise and compassionate way.

Photo: Cast of Hestia from the Museum of Classical Archaeology in Cambridge's Classics Faculty

Race and Beyond Race (The Scramble for Africa)

It is well known that in the final years of the 19th century there was a “scramble for Africa” by all the main European powers. It was a scramble for control over precious resources and a scramble for land for the expansion of European population. Britain sought to build a railway north to south from Cairo to Cape Town, while France had similar ambitions East to West. Where the European powers intersected, there was inevitably conflict. Even where they didn’t intersect, there was oppression of native African peoples under the fragile mask of a “civilizing mission”, laid bare for example in Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness” (1899) which epitomised how any good intentions of colonizers could degrade into the most wretched inhumanity. 

In the same year (1899), Harry Johnston, a British explorer, botanist, linguist, colonial administrator & historian included the above map of what the civilizing mission might mean for the future of Africa, to conclude his historical survey “A History of the Colonization of Africa by Alien Races”. The map was drawn by the legendary map-maker John George Bartholomew & his company, but Bartholomew himself bemoaned that the maps he created did not necessarily reflect the views of him or his company. It was Harry Johnston who commissioned it. Michel Foucault in his essay “What is an Author?” and Barthes in “Death of the Author” warn against over-emphasis on authorship — Johnston’s book and the above map could be said to be a product of their time, and just as much a consequence of its imagined readers as of its author. They must be seen within their historical context, and they also shed light on that context. Despite this proviso, it is worth noting that Johnston was an idealist and a moderate of his age. He worked alongside blacks in his colonial administration to the chagrin of some of his colleagues. In 1890, he had campaigned for a multi-cultural Africa of “blacks, whites and yellows”. But it seems the latter was only out of pragmatism. What we see in this map is a roadmap for the expansion and formalisation of colonialism. Even if Johnston’s ideal had once been for a rainbow Africa, this map represents a mindset of apartheid with its naked objectification of the continent into three zones of decreasing desirability for the “European” and a fourth zone of undesirability. Here is the map’s colour key:

Colonizability of Africa

The pink: Healthy colonizable Africa, where European races may be expected to become in time the prevailing type, where essentially European states may be formed.

The yellow: Fairly healthy Africa; but where unfavorable conditions of soil or water supply, or the prior establishment of warlike or enlightened native races or other causes, may effectually prevent European colonization.

The gray: Unhealthy but exploitable Africa; impossible for European colonization but for the most part of the great commercial value and inhabited by fairly docile, governable races; the Africa of the trader and planter and of despotic European control

The brown: Extremely unhealthy Africa

Getting past the fact that the Sahara is apparently “fairly healthy”, we find African peoples categorized as docile, warlike or even enlightened, but what they all share is that they are not European. Civilization is equated with European civilization. Yet all the main wars of the period would be between supposedly civilized Europeans in their scramble for territorial control. In the Boer wars (1899-1902), thousands of women & children of Dutch and African origins were put in concentration camps to exert pressure on their fathers to stop fighting against the British or to divert them to protect their own families. This was an ominous precursor to the genocides of the 20th century.

Much has changed in the last hundred years, but the colonial attitude of “control” remains, and among some people of “race”. This is a stark & chilling reminder of its consequences. We must be able to see through those who think in these terms, but the experience of colonialism has unfortunately taught the once colonized to think in these terms also. Looking deeper into Johnston’s reasoning in his book, and its subtle changes in emphasis by the 1913 edition, it is easy to see why.

Johnston cites overwhelmingly difficult “factors opposed to the substitution of a large European population for the present owners of the soil” (p. 279), and though excluding this from the 1913 edition, he still refers to his ideas as a “compromise”. It brings the word into disrepute! It was certainly not a compromise with the native black population who had no say in these machinations, and it could only mean a compromise with the wish for such a complete displacement. There were other interesting changes to the later edition. He toned down “despotic European control” of central Africa in the map’s key to “European supervision and control”, also replacing “despotic” in the text with the milder “autocratic”. He also added warnings against “gross oppression” lest this inflame a blazing rebellion uniting people of all colours and cultural differences against the white man, though he also explained why he thought this unlikely (see next paragraph). Finally, he added some remarks extolling the white’s superior looks and intelligence, envisaging the future of Africa to lie with “a dark-skinned race but with a white man’s features and a white man’s brain”. While wanting to avoid bloodshed and brutality unlike some of his contemporaries, what he reveals is the obsession with race of that period as well as a Malthusian predilection for predicting and engineering possible futures that would suit the “European”. The black population is slowly displaced to less favorable climates, and he even admits this rude form of apartheid could be cast aside two or three hundred years from now if pressures of population force it.

Saddest of all though is his observation “the negro has no idea of racial affinity” (p. 283) which makes any black rebellion difficult, “if not impossible”. In other words, he confirms that the colonizers thought in terms of race, and colonialism taught racism to those who had no concept of race. Now, the West prides itself on non-discrimination, but it is the experience of colonialism that introduced some parts of the world to discrimination in the first place. Johnston describes the natives throughout as “inferior races”. It is only natural then that one of the prescriptions against colonization and slavery in the 20th century would be the emergence of a black identity, a sense of common cause, that helped ultimately to reclaim native rights over colonized lands, secure equal rights in the Americas and end apartheid in South Africa.

Colonialism was facilitated by a certain idea of racial superiority. Now, in the West any ideology of race is largely discredited, especially after the European genocide, but that this ideology was not limited to fascism is largely forgotten. Those who were colonized have not forgotten, and in the face of oppression, ideas of racial and religious unity were powerful defence mechanisms. They provided cultural solidarity between oppressed peoples who might not otherwise have identified with each other. However, these same ideas also exclude and cause conflict, because that is what they were designed to do, to exclude the colonizer! It’s important that any sense of belonging conditioned by history is not maintained for the sake of history but continues to support present struggles and needs. The truly enlightened must see through those who think in terms of colour and control but also see beyond these differences. It’s all very well for us in the West to preach non-discrimination, setting aside creed and colour, but there is a great shame we did not do this ourselves historically. And the least we can do is to see beyond such differences now.

Acknowledgment: Thanks to @CartoArchive for directing me to the source of the above “Colonizability of Africa Map”: Harry Johnston’s “A History of the Colonization of Africa by Alien Races” (1899). I’ve also cited alterations in the later 1913 edition.

7 Aspects of Love (Jean Vanier)

These are summarised from Jean Vanier's "Becoming Human" about his work with mentally-handicapped patients, but it seems relevant for us all, for dealing with any hurt which we or others might face. 
More detailed extracts may be read at the link below. 
http://xuanwuting.wordpress.com/2014/04/03/love-can-transform-the-severely-hurt-heart/

7 Aspects of Love

1. to reveal (beauty & recognise value, being present, love)

2. to understand (desires, needs, underlying conditioning)

3. to communicate (naming things & feeling with body, heart)

4. to celebrate (play & feel joy)

5. to empower (responsibility, respect, freedom to grow)

6. to be in communion (trust, letting down barriers, letting go of the need to control)

7. to forgive (acceptance, prayer, centred in love, inner voice, finding God, softness of heart, self-love, service, life meaning)

One sentence from the link which struck me as particularly insightful: "Claudia lived a horrible form of madness which should not be idealized or seen as a gateway to another world." Self-acceptance does not mean idealising the present and refusing to see the possibility or desirability of change. When in the grips of a madness, an addiction, a prejudice, or even a depression, these feelings are not “real just because we feel them”, yet they are real for us now. That is precisely why we, and society as a whole, needs to recognise why? and help inspire the change to grow & get beyond them.

Painting: 'The Lovers' by the impressionist Henri Martin

Summer Haikus

Warm skin draped in white,
She breathes in with slow delight
A sapling’s fragrance.

Under my paintbrush,
Green sea lapping a white beach
Slipping out of reach

The salt earth sucked dry,
Tumbleweeds & desert cacti
Turn up to the sky

—okei

Painting by Pablo Segarra Chías

The Castle on the Hill

The Castle on the Hill 

Once there was water here


It ran down the valleys


As tall grasses and trees 


Lent over and drank deep.

Now there is no water,


But where a stream had run


A rocky path remains

A path I follow


To lead me home


Away from here

From this place of secret beauty,
Down from the castle that I climbed
Down from the sea and sky

Up and over these winding hills
Into the woods encircling them 
Out to the world that man has built 
And a place where I can drink.

…

Before I reach my destination,
Two girls on bicycles stop to read a map—
I ask, and they are kind to lend me
Two squirts from their drinking bottle,
Enough to save me on my way.

Photo: “Castel de Montgri” by —okei

Emma Stevens (Enchanted Live)

Earlier this week, I was privileged to see Emma Stevens and her band in her first ever headline concert sharing her lovely songs from her album “Enchanted”. It was such a coincidence I happened upon her music online only the previous weekend, then found out the next day she was performing live at The Portland Arms in Cambridge, a venue so close yet I'd never been before, at the corner between Victoria & Milton Road. She was supported beforehand by an up-and-coming Cambridge talent, fresh from his travels around Australia.

There was a really good turn-out and Emma gave a splendid performance. Her beautiful songs and generous spirit left everyone smiling. I had been drawn to her in the first place by her voice and thoughtful lyrics, so it was especially good to hear them brought alive by her presence. In the age of music reduced to a commodity, and the commodity reduced to digital data, there is a huge corresponding demand for a return to the experience. For some, this is the desire of “coming together” and “being there”, but even more than this for me I think is the lovely change to go back to music in its original being, and “being present”. There is however also added excitement in the creation of a memory, and this is what moves me in this blog to re-create it. 

Opening with the song “Once”, Emma expresses cynicism at the Disney lie “you only need to find love once”, only then – in finding love – to feel she must re-affirm it. Her most moving song is no doubt “Sunflower”, in which she remembers some of the little things her mother taught her. It was especially good to hear this live. My favourite song from the album was her fairytale love song “A Place Called You”. (The album also has a very pretty fairytale look.) Other highlights included the popping “Riptide”, the chilled-out loving “Lazy” and the upbeat post-holiday “Hey Summer”. Overall her music captures that post-holiday mood of memory of good times in the past, moving through sad moments, upbeat & hopeful, open to love & light in the present & future.

Other memorable episodes of the night included (1) the band putting on sparkly hats for one of the songs, (2) a minor blip in which Emma thought her song “It's Obvious” had obviously gone wrong when for the audience it seemed fine (reminding me of Jai-Jagdeesh‬’s advice “if you hit a wrong note smile and keep on singing”, but also this made me think how the difference between someone like Emma who loves what they do and the cold professional is the first will genuinely smile, learn from the mistake and come back stronger), and (3) when the bassist was picking up feedback of another song between sets,  it seemed to be “Good Vibrations” (how serendipitous to be picking up good vibrations!). These were all like happy unveilings.

By a complete coincidence, this concert, the first of Emma’s “Enchanted Tour”, fell on the second anniversary of her mother passing away. This letting go from the tree of life leaves offspring, friends and relatives behind, who one day will also have to let go in their own way. And though this moment is a sad one, it is also in the imagination of a story that Emma’s sister wrote about the last leaf of autumn, a reaching for the stars in flight, a re-entry into the soil of existence, a new beginning. Without endings, there could be no beginnings. Accompanying the crunch and decay, new dawns await. We wish for Emma and her band that this be the beginning of a long and wonderful adventure on her journey of enchantment, and for many happy journeys to come. “Enchanted”, the name of her album, is an old word via French from Latin, from in-cantare meaning “to sing or cast a spell upon”. The magic therein is a blessing! May love light her way. And yours too!