Directions:
On QI
Stephen Fry, “I don’t like geranium. I find it tastes soapy”
Linda Smith, “Do you think possibly that you’re washing it too much?”
If any of you do find any weapons of mass destruction under your seats, if you could forward them to the government, 'cause they've looked everywhere. Oh, it'll be . . . they'll be the last place they look! I'm like that with scissors. I turn the house . . . Mind you, the difference is I have been stockpiling scissors for the last 20 years.
Company Slogans
The Association of Norfolk Bakers – “Two Hundred Years In Bread”
IKEA – “I’m sorry, you’re going to have to put your own slogan together”
British Telecom – “Putting you on Hold”
New Definitions
Margate = the ‘mother of all scandals’
Palisade = what the Queen drinks
Postulate = new name for Royal Mail
On the News Quiz
People knock ASBOs but you have to bear in mind they’re the only qualification some of these kids are going to get.
Scientists claim that birds are as clever as mammals. They haven’t got a great sense of time though have they? They don’t know the difference between 4a.m. and the morning.
Have you ever tried using one of those giant Toblerones as a toast rack? Works once.
I don’t do the lottery which means I’m marginally less likely to win than someone who does.
(On the Middle East) It’s rather annoying the way our oil has ended up under their sand.
They have plans to tag troublesome teenage offenders. Don’t you think it’s silly? Teenagers. You don’t need to tag them. Just shove them in front of a PlayStation with a bucket of sugar. They’re not going to move.
(On John Prescott) I suspect language isn’t his first language.
Apparently playing the recorder puts children off music for life. I find children playing the recorder puts me off children for life. Just lucky they don’t play the bagpipes. Could be even more serious.
I don’t understand rugby at all. It’s like a really boring fight that someone keeps breaking up.
Notice no matter how hard it is to go to sleep at night, you always want to go to sleep when the alarm goes off, no matter. Awake all night, alarm goes off: “Uhh… five more minutes.” So what you should do is set your alarm for five minutes after you go to bed; eight hours refreshing sleep.
There’s a church in Wales where they can’t afford bellringers. You just can’t get the bellringers these days – it’s a dying art. And people obviously like bells for their wedding, so what they’ve got people to do is they’ve got the congregation… they’ve got half of them to be the dings and half to be the dongs… and they do the lovely wedding bells ding dong ding dong. Although sometimes there’s a bit of anarchy and some people are dinging when they should be donging and donging when they should be dinging, but generally it’s very jolly. They make their own entertainment. It all sounds rather lovely, actually. I quite like the idea of it. I think more people should take this up. Police cars should have somebody sitting on top going ner ner, ner ner.
Stephen Fry, “I don’t like geranium. I find it tastes soapy”
Linda Smith, “Do you think possibly that you’re washing it too much?”
If any of you do find any weapons of mass destruction under your seats, if you could forward them to the government, 'cause they've looked everywhere. Oh, it'll be . . . they'll be the last place they look! I'm like that with scissors. I turn the house . . . Mind you, the difference is I have been stockpiling scissors for the last 20 years.
Company Slogans
The Association of Norfolk Bakers – “Two Hundred Years In Bread”
IKEA – “I’m sorry, you’re going to have to put your own slogan together”
British Telecom – “Putting you on Hold”
New Definitions
Margate = the ‘mother of all scandals’
Palisade = what the Queen drinks
Postulate = new name for Royal Mail
On the News Quiz
People knock ASBOs but you have to bear in mind they’re the only qualification some of these kids are going to get.
Scientists claim that birds are as clever as mammals. They haven’t got a great sense of time though have they? They don’t know the difference between 4a.m. and the morning.
Have you ever tried using one of those giant Toblerones as a toast rack? Works once.
I don’t do the lottery which means I’m marginally less likely to win than someone who does.
(On the Middle East) It’s rather annoying the way our oil has ended up under their sand.
They have plans to tag troublesome teenage offenders. Don’t you think it’s silly? Teenagers. You don’t need to tag them. Just shove them in front of a PlayStation with a bucket of sugar. They’re not going to move.
(On John Prescott) I suspect language isn’t his first language.
Apparently playing the recorder puts children off music for life. I find children playing the recorder puts me off children for life. Just lucky they don’t play the bagpipes. Could be even more serious.
I don’t understand rugby at all. It’s like a really boring fight that someone keeps breaking up.
Notice no matter how hard it is to go to sleep at night, you always want to go to sleep when the alarm goes off, no matter. Awake all night, alarm goes off: “Uhh… five more minutes.” So what you should do is set your alarm for five minutes after you go to bed; eight hours refreshing sleep.
There’s a church in Wales where they can’t afford bellringers. You just can’t get the bellringers these days – it’s a dying art. And people obviously like bells for their wedding, so what they’ve got people to do is they’ve got the congregation… they’ve got half of them to be the dings and half to be the dongs… and they do the lovely wedding bells ding dong ding dong. Although sometimes there’s a bit of anarchy and some people are dinging when they should be donging and donging when they should be dinging, but generally it’s very jolly. They make their own entertainment. It all sounds rather lovely, actually. I quite like the idea of it. I think more people should take this up. Police cars should have somebody sitting on top going ner ner, ner ner.
very nice ...good humor in this ....well done okei
ReplyDeleteOoooh... VERY nice!...
ReplyDeleteI wanna laugh... and laugh... and just laugh! Ahhhh-hahh-hahhhh!
That's how i naturally react to such "appetizers and snacks"...
And i just can't get full enough?.... iiiisssszzzz