Tom Cooper One-Liners

Ingredients:

Goofy humour :^)

Directions:

I went to the doctor's. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet. '

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.

I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

I took the dog to the vet's the other day. The vet said "I'm very sorry Mr Cooper, I'll have to put your dog down". I said "Why?" He said, "It's heavy, that's why".

I hurt my back today.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other.