Monday, 10 August 2009

I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue

Awesome anthology of humour from the Radio 4 comedy programme. The bright blue background on that site blinds me...but I just discovered that under preferences, Content, Colours... you can turn off a webpage's control over its own colour choices. This is a hassle I know! Or alternatively just enjoy the selections below.

Advice to anyone visiting Britain...

At the Railway Station
When leaving the train, it is traditional to leave a leaf on the line.

Before entering the toilet on the train, it is customary to remove your shoes and socks as a mark of respect.

Don't buy your own newspaper, as people on trains like to share.

The men with notepads at the end of the platform are colourful characters with full and interesting lives.

If you would like a coffee, attract staff by pulling the large red handle in your compartment.

When you arrive, you will find that bus timetables are co-ordinated with the arrival of all trains.

Please discourage the professional beggars operating on trains, who approach you with the words 'Tickets Please'.

Comfortable hammocks are located above the seats.

In the Countryside
Regular buses serve all areas.

Gates often blow shut. Make sure that you wedge them open properly.

It is common practice to pick-your-own sheep.

If you enjoy cheery conversation and a good laugh, talk to a farmer...especially if you're French!

At the Church
Don't be too greedy when they pass round the plate.

When the organ stops playing, all move chairs.

Roman Catholics are a friendly bunch - you can even have a chat through the grill in the toilet cubicles.

If taken ill suddenly, please remember all churches have a box marked 'For The Sick'.

At Stonehenge
People will admire your knowledge if you stand in the middle, and shout out very loudly and knowledgably: "Of course, this was a cinema until the roof fell in".

Impress the locals with your attempt to start the domino effect by pushing the first stone over.

During the annual winter solstice celebrations, why not join in the traditional urinating against the policeman's leg while dressed as a druid.

At the British Museum
When you enter the Reading Room there will be a hushed sense of expectancy, so perhaps you'd like to sing your favourite national song, & when they want you to sing a little bit louder, they'll go 'Shhh!'.

A useful phrase for those whose English is no use at all, when in the Reading Room, is: "'Ere cock, where's the filthy stuff?"

The museum has one of the largest collections of Egyptian Mummies in the world - please take one.

Any of the attendants will be happy to explain how to play Elgin Marbles.

If you'd like to show your backing for democracy, perhaps you'd like to add your signature to the Magna Carta.

At Christies Auction House

Bring your own gavel.

It is an old English tradition to tickle the man holding the Ming vase.

It is considered polite to catch the auctioneer's eye and give him a friendly nod or a wink.

You'll see paintings leaning against the wall - please take one.

More Advice
If, when driving, a police car flashes you from behind, it means that you are not going fast enough.

When visiting Harrods, do ask the head of stationery - a Mr. Al-Fayed - where he keeps his brown envelopes.

You can time your journey by checking the time-table posted at any bus stop.

It is considered bad form to fall asleep in the theatre, so book a few wake-up calls on your mobile phone.

People in a queue are actually waiting for you to go first.

Taxi driving is a lonely life - encourage drivers to share their opinions.

A sure-fire way to start a conversation with an Englishman is: 'You must be very excited about your Millennium Dome'.

Don't miss Wimbledon Fortnight, but remember to get there early to book the court.

We have some very fine spa waters in England - Buxton, Malvern, Bath etc - if in Bath, the best thing to say to your waitress is 'I would very much like to drink your Bath water'.

Please do not consult your maps in the middle of the pavement - zebra crossings are provided for this purpose.

Put your money on England in the cricket - the Australian fast bowlers are a spent force.

Do remember that Yorkshiremen love to have the piss taken out of them.

American motorists: remember that in Britain you won't be able to fill your car up with 'gasoline' - we call it 'diesel'.

A good ice-breaker at dinner parties is how dreadful it must have been for the Germans during the War.

To hear English spoken as it should be, tune in to The Teletubbies.

Do take advantage of London's self-drive taxis. They're easily distinguished by the flashing blue light on the top.

For actors coming to Britain, there's a church in Covent Garden, and when the first lesson reaches "And Javel begat Enoch", it is customary for visiting actors from overseas to rise and say "Oh no he didn't".

When the organ starts in Westminster Abbey, the first couple on the dance floor win a prize.

A pint of bitter is known in England colloqually as a 'Pyours', so go into a pub and shout at the barman "A Pyours!"

Don't be afraid - taxi drivers expect you to bargain with them.

As we approach 1992, driving on the right hand side of the road is now optional.

If you're staying with a British family, it is considered polite on leaving to pay their Poll Tax.

See the waxworks in the House of Lords.

If you see any red & white cones on the motorway, pick them up.

Always park with your nearside tyres neatly between the yellow lines.

When attending opera at Covent Garden, join in the arias.

The citizens of Glasgow love to hear foreigners imitating their accent, especially in a pub on a Friday night.

Doctor's Jargon

You may experience some discomfort = ...or you could go private.
There's a lot of it about = I've got that - what are you taking for it?
I should cut down on the booze if I were you = Blimey, you drink nearly as much as I do!
I hope my hands aren't too cold = I've lost all sense of feeling.
Let's try these new pills = I haven't the faintest idea what's wrong with you. 
Let's continue with these new pills = I haven't the faintest idea what's wrong with you.
I'd like to see you again in a fortnight = This way I might find out what these new pills do.
You should have come to see me before this = I've got a golf match in twenty minutes.
This won't take long = I've got a golf match in twenty minutes.
The patient is as well as can be expected = The patient is as well as can be expected...considering I'm the doctor.

New Definitions

Humpty-Dumpty: One who is humped and dumped
Intercontinental: A person who's wet themselves all over the world
Rancour: Japanese term of abuse (wanker)
Disappear: To insult a Lord (diss-a-peer)
Contraband: U.S. backed, counter-revolutionary orchestra
Titillate: Delayed puberty
Years: When the Queen is sure about something (yeeeees)
Psychiatric: Guessing right, three times in a row (psyche-hatrick)
Propane: People who are into S&M (pro-pain)
Alcoholic: Someone who drinks more than their doctor
Dunderhead: What a sculptor says when he's finished the top part of a bust (done-da-head)
Mastiff: A row during a church service (mass-tiff)
Banshee: Gentleman's club
Baloney: Disappointing skirt length fashion
Granary: Old folks' home
Dilate: Live long
Undertaker: A half-hearted shoplifter
Homophobe: Somebody who doesn't like The Simpsons
Miniscule: A toddlers' play group in Liverpool
Dentist: Man who fixes your car
Dissident: Foreigner pointing out damage to your car
Disguise: Pointing out the foreigner who's pointing out damage to your car
Intent: Determination to go camping
Picador: Find your own way out
Ransom: A short amount of exercise
Meander: She and I.


  1. ooohh these r funny a sure sense of good humor is what i call it ....reminds me of home .. u need to come here n get the most sweetest of welcomes its called screeching in ..:)...then u get to the big meal n then out comes the live music warm fire n dance along with the light hearted smooth drink of moonshine or home brew...u need to drink alot of it to feel its affect giggle .....but serious this is funny okei loved it ty ...

  2. One day maybe, and then you can give me some unhelpful advice about visiting Canada and laugh when I fall for it.

    Glad you liked it. :^) And smiles & waves at Cyn also.

  3. giggle will do but I don't think i will give unhelpful thats jus not in me to do sorry u can see below my apology from saying moonshine was a light smooth drink that u need much to drink in order to feel its affect ...giggle ....but ty for the humor it was much welcomed :).. big hugs okei . u take good care ok

  4. LOL. You had me completely fooled before I even set foot in Canada. Big Hugs back.

  5. "People will admire your knowledge if you stand in the middle, and shout out very loudly and knowledgably: "Of course, this was a cinema until the roof fell in"."

    This made me laugh out loud. :)) Love this stuff, thanks Okei.